Decisions, Decisions

As most of you know, we had a consult today with our doctor. I was nervous, and Kyle kept my mind off of the pressing issues by playing with things in the clinic room, cleaning off his hands with soap (he thought it was hand sanitizer), and dropping his ring behind the stirrups of the patient's chair. What fun we have.

Doctor said he was just as shocked as we were about the results of the fertilization. He went over everything, including each lab result following each medicine, and said based on my age and lab results he did not expect this at all. Some levels were borderline too high, but other than that I had perfect labs. He said the bad eggs (that's my term...he used "poor oocytes") were either inherited or due to my body reacting to the medicine.

He suggested we take a break for a couple of months and give my body time to rest. Which I am all for. He would like to try again, using a different medicinal approach and less time on birth control. The birth control helps them control my cycle. He said if the second cycle does not work, then we know it is inherent. But if we don't try again, we won't know; it could have just been a bad "batch" of eggs. The second trial would be less expensive since the first one didn't work, but still expensive. He would also do a procedure called ICSI, where the sperm is put directly into the egg. So, each egg would be fertilized instead of just one or two, and we have a better chance of one dividing.

We have a lot of things to consider and pray over. We will just be resting for a few months until we can figure out what God wants us to do.

If the second IVF doesn't work, we have a few options: adoption, embryo adoption, egg donor, and a miracle. Which we are not opposed to any of the above...

What's Next

The egg retrieval went great. Before they wheeled me back, another lady comes in moaning and groaning, and kind of screaming (as best you can when you're sedated) at the nurses. Kyle looks at me, and I look at him with the same look. Mentally telling myself not to say a word when I come into recovery! The nurse flies in and says, "She didn't have the same procedure as you! AND, she cried when the blood pressure cuffed kicked on because it hurt!" That gave me a little relief. They had to stick me 4 times to get the IV and finally got it in my forearm. Nice little bruises I have from those.

They were able to retrieve 13 eggs. Fantastic, we thought! They told us they would call each day and let us know how the embryos were doing. So excited. I stayed home from work Wednesday and rested. I got a phone call that only one of the eggs fertilized normally. One? She said there was still hope for the others, they may just be late bloomers. Kinda bummed, but still hopeful at this point.

Yesterday I went back to work. I got a call at 9, and still only one egg. She also said this one only had one cell, which it should have 6-8 at this point. She said they would continue to watch it, and if there is any change we would come in for a transfer in the morning (today). Regardless, she would call between 9-930. I was crushed. She didn't sound hopeful, although she tried.

Phone call this morning at 845: no transfer. The embryo had not divided any more.

I do not understand. I am thankful to my husband, family, and friends for just letting me cry, and go through all of the emotions. I did most of that yesterday after the phone call. Today I was just expecting exactly what happened. I know God knows the big picture, and although it hurts and I'm tired (physically and emotionally) there is a reason why this didn't work. But it still doesn't take away the hurt.

The nurse said it was likely due to poor egg quality. I asked if this is why the IUI's didn't work either and she said yes. I could brainstorm all day and try to figure out how to make it better or what to do differently, but there is no point. I cannot change anything.  We did everything EXACTLY like they said. Taking meds at certain times of the day, no caffeine, exercise as I felt comfortable, refrigerating certain medications, making all the appointments. We couldn't have done anything differently. We scheduled a consultation with the Dr. for next Monday. We will go over what happened exactly and discuss further options, if any, and what we want to do.

Our insurance is up, so if we did it again it would be completely out of pocket. But if we have discovered my eggs are poor, and it cannot be changed, we will not try it again. This is not saying we don't have hope that it could happen someday on it's own. I have seen many couples that has happened to.

Just help us pray that we can see the right path to take. Maybe not the end product but at least light up the path a little so we know where to go from here.

Nervous, Anxious, Excited, Scared

Tomorrow is the big day! Well not the BIG day but A big day. Retrieval. Hopefully all will go well and they can get all of the eggs out successfully. According to the ultrasounds, I should have around 10-12 eggs big enough to retrieve. They will then be fertilized there at the clinic and we will go back in 3-5 days for the embryo transfer. I'm getting nervous and I can't eat past midnight (which, who eats past midnight?? I'm long gone by then!).

The procedure is at 10 a.m. It's a mild surgery, so I'll be out of it for a little while. Thanks in advance for all of your calming prayers. I will be taking Wednesday off of work but should be able to go back Thursday.

Books

Those of you who know me, know I am not much of a reader. Lately, though, all I want to do is read. I love to read books that turn into movies so I can visualize the book when I do finally go see it's movie. The book is always better but I love knowing what's going on. I read all the twilight books last year, and liked the movies...still waiting on Breaking Dawn 2 or whatever it's going to be called. I saw the previews for the Hunger Games and had to read those. Although quite strange, I could not put the books down. All three of them. I liked the first one the best. But here is the cover page.

I do realize this is probably teen drama. But I don't care.

As I was picking up Charity's gluten-free book at Barnes and Noble today, I stumbled upon this book:

I have been anxiously waiting for the movie...I had no idea it was a book first! So, you bet I bought the book today! I was told the boy has characteristics of Asperger's. Can't wait to read.

Thanks to my momma for going with me today to the doctor. All reports were good today. Estrogen level keeps rising! Tuesday it was 400, today it was 1,000. Not sure what that means other than I probably should be an emotional basketcase. But I'm not! Even Kyle says I'm not, so it's not just me saying it. I am just tired all the time. This could be from the travel back and forth and working in between, though. Thanks, still, for all the prayers. You know we appreciate you very much.  :)

"Ask, and it will be given to you..." Matthew 7:7

Sanctity of Life

Yesterday was Sanctity of Life Sunday. It has never bothered me as much as it did this year.

Starting with this statistic:

More than 95% of abortions are for reasons of convenience.

...what? Convenience? Thousands of people are longing for a baby and babies are taken because it is an inconvenience?

So sad. For those wondering about the trivial aspect of when life begins, consider this:

Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; 
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
   your works are wonderful, 
   I know that full well. 
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you 
   when I was made in the secret place, 
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 
   before one of them came to be.


Life is sacred at any age: embryo, baby, toddler, child, teenager, parent, grandparent.


I choose LIFE.

News

Just a quick update with our progress. I had an appointment today for a lab and ultrasound. Ultrasound looked normal for this time of the cycle. One small cyst but he said not even big enough to worry about. Lab results came back with normal levels. I was instructed to start the stimulation medication, in addition to the Lupron I'm already taking, on Saturday. I will go back to the doctor next Tuesday for another lab to check my levels again. And then more than likely go in every other day after that until the egg retrieval, which is tentatively scheduled for January 25. And I was excited that I actually got a "calendar" rather than a long printout of dates. The calendar was pulled onto the screen and I said, "oohhh, I like that!" Dr. B just laughed and rolled his eyes. He said, "oh, you're in trouble!!"

Dr. B was unusually spunky today and accidentally ripped my "checkout" papers in half and trashed them along with the long printout I discarded to opt for the calendar. Luckily they can reproduce those things like hotcakes. Hopefully that trait will carry on over to our IVF cycle (the reproducing, that is). :)

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I'm making it so far on the meds and have not been crazy (I don't think?!). I've been filling my afternoons with exercise (not too much) to keep my mind off of it and sort of wear myself out until it's time to go to bed. And I haven't had any problems! Mild side effect of a headache for about half of the days I've taken the meds. We're good so far!

*Thank you, Sarah, for taking me today!!*

WPS

We had a great weekend in Dallas. Hogs game was great, and we had awesome seats.

The Band Perry for the national anthem

 Before the game... In Kristen's words, we are "in a sea of purple!!"

 Precious little girl in front of us. She didn't cry one time!

And I miss the Hatch's so much. But it's always like we haven't been apart for too long because we can always catch up fast.

 She is so adorable, so sweet and I loved to watch her play and listen to her sing her ABC's. 

She would just climb up in Kyle's lap like she wasn't scared at all!

 Please excuse my morning travel look.

Kyle put her in the back of the car before we left and she thought it was so funny. And we all thought it was so cute. :)

*Please put David Womack and his family on your prayer list. His daughter, Lindsey and I have been good friends since Kindergarten. He is currently at UAMS and is in need of all of your prayers.*

...and...we're off!

The title could go two ways...IVF (got the big box this afternoon), and Dallas (WPS!!).

We ate dinner with Matt and Charity tonight. Kinley kept saying, "I see your booty" trying to pull our pants down. And, "I wan some chechup." That's all the poor thing asked for for Christmas was ketchup and Santa forgot! The child is hilarious.

She's got her Christmas pj's, mom and dad's old stockings, and is saying, "GO RASABACKS!" Look at that belly :)

Dallas- I just printed off hotel confirmation and I'm praying we can find our way around. We usually get "turned around" aka "lost" in cities we don't know but always end up where we need to be. So we're leaving extra early in time to check in, shower, eat and find our way to the game. I cannot wait to see the Hatch's too. Hopefully get to tailgate some with my cousin and family before the game. I sure hope we win!!

One of my new favorite hogs paintings. Might have to make another one just for me!

So, the box came today. It has ALL my  meds for the full round of IVF which will end up being about a month. I opened the box and was terrified. Not necessarily of what was in it but that I could not keep up with all of it. I admit I got a little upset, but gained my composure and laid it all out. Compared it to what my own calendar said of what I was to take. It's all there. And it's scary. I gave myself the first shot tonight. The ones in the abdomen are easy. It's the ones in the booty I'm dreading. Because Kyle will likely have to do them and, well. I'll end there. Those of you who know Kyle know why I'm dreading it. :) Really, he has been amazing through this whole thing. Even actually gave me a shot (with me directing the whole entire time) last IUI, saying "It can't be much different than giving a cow a shot!" Um, thanks, and yes! It's plenty different! But he never complains, never is negative or anything. I'm just thankful that I have him. Here are all my meds:

We can do it! :)

Why

First I want to say I truly enjoy days/afternoons home with Kyle. Even if we are just watching TV, cooking or eating dinner, or just whatever. I love being home.  Last night we went to Allie's for a little bit, then came home and watched season one of How I Met Your Mother. LOVE that show, and can never catch the new episodes. So I bought them and slowly but surely we will catch up and can't wait to find out who the "mom" is...whenever they decide to tell that!

I got on here to change my background from candy canes since we are no longer in the Christmas spirit. I mean...I still am because technically I'm off work until Thursday :) But I just started thinking about why I blog. And what people might say or think when they read my blog. So- I will tell you why I blog.

I am not much of a writer. Or a reader for that matter. I enjoy reading other people's blogs and looking at pictures. And occasionally I'll get stuck on a book series (currently the Hunger Games). But writing...not so much. I hated in college when we had to write papers and they had to be so many pages long. I mean, really- I can state what I need to say in three points usually and it doesn't take up that much room! I don't like it. But some of my friends started blogging and that's how I was keeping up with them and their newly born children :) I can't imagine not reading the blogs and not knowing what was going on. So, I thought it would be neat to do the same for friends and family to keep up. Except there wasn't much going on in my life...except IVF.

I am not someone who shares my business with everyone. If I wanted you to know something, I would tell you. And I was like that at first with infertility. I didn't want people feeling sorry for us; I didn't want people talking and spreading things that weren't true. But at some point I realized I HAVE to talk to someone about this. And I needed to. Of course Kyle and I talked about it, but not much. Just the necessities. I needed someone to understand what I was going through. And, honestly, unless you or someone close to you has gone through this, it is very hard to understand. Meaning when the world tells you, "It will happen" "It's all in God's timing" "Just quit trying- that's what we did" "Adopt!" they mean well, but to me it was hurtful and saddening.

I am not writing for people to feel sorry for us. I am not writing for attention. I am not writing to broadcast our business to everyone. However, if our story can reach someone else, or if someone needs to talk about their own infertility struggle, great! I know others who have done so and continue to do so for me (Sarah :) ) And even if no one reads everything I post...that is absolutely ok with me. I at least can get my feelings onto "paper." And I know through my updates that I make it onto some of your prayer lists. And that is exciting. :)

-- I would also like to say, I'm not sure how to get that huge picture at the top smaller :/ I did good to even upload it where it was supposed to go!