Vaca

A summer is not a summer without a vacation. In my opinion anyway. I've dropped subtle and gigantic hints to Kyle that I'm ready to take a trip, none of which have worked. I had to take matters into my own hands. Now, this is his idea of a trip: "We could drive up to Springfield to see if any celebrities from the outdoor channel are there." Ummm, no thanks. I'll pass. Here's my idea of a trip: Lying on the beach for 4 entire days not doing a thing. He said, ummm, no thanks. So we compromised. I really don't care where we go as long as it's somewhere fun (and new). We talked about the Twin Cities and San Francisco. The latter of the two will have to wait. For a spur of the moment trip I'm not willing to shell out $850 for a plane ticket. We can do that later. So we talked about New York. And I really, really want to go but I think I'm going to wait and go with girls to New York for obvious reasons (shopping, shows, walking, the Today show, you know). So St. Paul it is. We will be off to the Mall of America in no time (next Thursday to be exact).

I don't read much but when I do, I'm all out. It's what I do every night before bed. My wonderful mother bought me a book on her recent trip to Hot Springs with her friends. She said, "I don't know what you are going through. I don't know what to say to you, and I don't know how you feel. I want you to know that I love you and here is my way of helping you." She got me the book, Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby. Don't worry- it has good stories, too. It has, so far, touched on EVERY thought, emotion, worry and prayer that I have gone through. I mean, right down to the very words that come out of my mouth, or the very thoughts that I think sometimes. It talks about how people say things that ordinarily wouldn't be a "big deal" but now it's a HUGE deal and my feelings are hurt. And how I know it will all work out in the end and it's on God's timing, but when? People say all the time, "honey, it will all work out. God's timing is not our timing." YES I KNOW THIS, but it still hurts, so stop saying that. And I wonder, what have I done wrong, what are we doing wrong, is there something we need to bring before God and remove from our lives, do I pray for the wrong thing, am I running too much, am I eating the wrong things, are we completely missing "the day." So many questions. I love the book because it gives pretty much a verse per page on prayer, emotions, thoughts, comforts, guidance. You name it, it's in the book. So if you know of anyone going through this horrible journey, please pass the book title along. It is such a place of solace for me.

And I have to say how much of a help my mom has been. She doesn't ask, doesn't prod, doesn't do anything except for when I am ready to talk about it. Then she knows I'm ready. And I kinda unload I'm sure. If you know me well, you know that I won't talk about things unless I'm ready. She has gone to doctor appointments with me, cried with me and I know she prays for me. I love you, Mom, and don't know what I would do without you.