Venting

Sunday at church was a hard one for me. I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past year or so. I really try not to act like it. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I throw myself a pity party. Each month, I just look forward to the next one. But after so long, I am thinking, "what's wrong with me? What am I doing so wrong that I do not deserve a growing family?" Then I bring myself back down, am hopeful for another few weeks and it all hits me again. I've prayed and "not worried about it" but really it gets to consuming my thoughts. Not necessarily my life, but my thoughts. I don't really want to talk about it though unless I am ready to. And now is a time when I am ready.
Sunday the pastor spoke on Moses as a baby. It seems like the past few weeks at church have been about someone being "blessed" with a baby in the bible. Which is great, right? Yes, it is. But when you can't have one, it makes me wonder why I am not "blessed." So this Moses story (as Moses got older) was about giving up what you have for God, even if it means a different life than what you are used to. Then, the altar song was I Surrender All. Which I could sing every word to. But I didn't sing. I stood there in my pew and it hit me like a brick wall. Surrender...
One of those words that is easier said than done. So my prayer is that God will teach me how to surrender because I know if I pray, "I give it to You, it's in Your hands," that won't happen because I don't know HOW to do that. I can pray that but my actions do not show it. So I am trying. Really, really hard to just surrender what is mine to God and am hopeful that one day we will have a blessing of our own running around here. (But I will not put him in a basket and send him on his way :)  )